I never saw myself writing this post. Mainly because I NEVER like to admit when I am wrong, because come on….I am never wrong. Don’t believe me?? Go ahead, ask Kelsey, he knows better than to say any different. Well, maybe don’t ask him right now. Right now he is gloating….just a little. When I first realized the error of my ways my first thought was, “Crap….now I have to tell Kelsey he was right!” <—-<< THAT most definitely never happens. He won’t say it, but he is loving every second of it.
As I contemplated how to begin this, as I attempted to organize my thoughts I kind of expected to be apologetic. I thought I would have to explain myself or make others understand. It doesn’t matter how many times people tell you not to worry about others opinions, we all still do it. It’s human nature at it’s worst. But as I sit here and type with no outline before me, I will not apologize because I don’t feel anything needs to be explained. For the first time in forever (totally busted out the Frozen soundtrack right there) I am beyond thrilled to share this news with you. Today is easily the best I have felt in months! This morning I woke up with the clarity I had been praying…no…begging God for. But before I can give you the grand reveal….I have a few confessions to make.
When I started this blog it was for me. I wanted a place to come back to so I could remember each step of our journey. I am so humbled by the blessing each of you have given me by following along, encouraging and praying for us. Every comment, message, text, and email has truly fed my soul. But I do owe you an apology. I have not been 100% honest with you. Even worse, I have not been honest with myself. So today’s blog is an attempt to rectify that. I want every step to be out in the open. There are certain levels of fear that comes with having such intimate details being laid out in such a way so go easy on me. (Seriously Kelli…NO more tomatoes)
So, you all know our story. We are a married couple that have seen both good and bad. We have two amazing daughters that bless our socks off on a daily basis. In one year we have experienced a miscarriage, failed placement, and failed adoption. We are biologically capable of having more children however adoption was plan ‘A’ for us. I first knew and publicly confessed that I would adopt one day when I was only 17. I was always amazed by it, very curious about all of it, and I felt very strongly that I would one day travel the world rescuing children that never knew what it meant to belong to something permanent. We are unapologetically christians and even when the Devil throws water at our flame our God throws in another match. This past weekend I was given the privilege to fly to the other side of our country to attend Choose Joy. (I am fully aware of how many pictures I posted letting you know of just how amazing my trip was) but what I didn’t post was the reality of what I was facing. Nor did I realize what that one trip would do for me, my faith, and my family. And you are also all aware of the fact that we have recently ended the relationship with our agency. Who remembers me mentioning a bomb that my dear old hubby dropped on me?! Anyone?! Oh, just you wait…that part is coming too!
See, what you don’t know is that our journey has had a recent twist, an unexpected road block would probably be a better way to say it. I didn’t share this part with you because quite frankly, I thought it was irrelevant. Over the past couple of months I have been seeing my OBGYN and a few specialists due to complications that I assumed were miscarriage related. It was the only thing that made sense. I began some testing the week before we got the call about Sydney so naturally everything was put on hold. Upon returning home I kind of ignored it. God has a funny way of getting our attention, doesn’t he? I felt this nagging need to pick up where I left off so I called back in and got the ball rolling. I won’t waste your time with all of the gory details but I had to have a full list of tests ran that included just about everything down to my hair count being done. The results: Well…..that’s the confusing part. They simply can’t explain it. I have been diagnosed as 1. vitamin d deficient (easily corrected) and 2. unexplainable progesterone deficient. Every single inch of my body is thriving, healthy and just as it should be, except the one thing I need to biologically create a healthy child. Now…remember up above…adoption is plan ‘A’…remember?! This shouldn’t be a problem. But, the devil has a way of making it a problem. My initial reaction was, “Ok..no big deal…we weren’t trying anyways” but then the fears sank in, the anger began to take over. I slowly and very annoyingly realized, “This should be MY choice” and “This isn’t supposed to be a part of MY story” I was more angry that the choice had been taken away from me than I was that I couldn’t get pregnant without medical intervention.
Now, with this being said, I feel the need to go back a little. Just a little, I promise. I need to take you back to the day before I discovered we could no longer work with our agency. It was on a Wednesday, I had a loooooong conversation over the phone with my dear tomato throwing friend, Kelli (I was drinking coffee and I am sure she was drinking sweet tea) and I was truly unraveling. I was tired, lost for direction, praying for clarity and throwing down a whole bunch of “what if’s”. I started questioning if I was on the right path. Maybe I was the problem. I told her I felt like God had left me, as it was silent in every direction I looked for Him. For over a month, every since I lost Sydney, it was a deafening type of silent. I was losing all motivation, considering a nice long break from it all….I just wanted to stop. She encouraged me the best she knew how but it just wasn’t enough. I wouldn’t have admitted it to the Hubby at the time but I stayed in that recliner for over 2 hours. Talking to a God that had stopped talking to me. He didn’t have much to say but with everything in me He was going to hear all of my thoughts. My exact prayer went a little something like this, “God…You know I am stubborn…You made me this way…Deal with me” I knew that in order for me to ‘get it’ He was going to have to hit me over the head with a brick. “Lord, throw a brick already”.
Fast forward maybe 18 hours later and the bricks came flying!! First, I learned (on accident I might add) that our relationship with our facilitator was strictly prohibited in the state of Florida and we received legal advice to end it immediately before any placement took place.
Fast forward again about 8-9 hours later and again…….brick!! We had just walked out of church, after learning the above, when we sit down to dinner and the Husband sucker punched me in the baby maker. Okay, not literally, but he might as well have. I kid you not when I say I would have been less shocked if he had admitted to an affair. My husband is a Christian. A solid man of God that is truly leading our family for the first time. In the 13 years I have known this man child he has NEVER said the words “God told me” or “God is leading me” to do ANYTHING!!! He actually began the conversation with, “Okay, so I need to tell you something but I need you not to freak out on me” (this is about the time I loaded the gun and started sharpening the knives) He continued, “I’m not asking you to change your mind, and I’m not saying this is what we have to do” (brass knuckles are on) “I have wanted to tell you this but I wasn’t sure how” (nun chucks are swinging) “Babe, for the last month (did you get that, the last MONTH) I feel like God has been talking to me. He has been putting this on my heart and I have tried to ignore it, I thought maybe it was just me so I kept pushing it down. Yesterday (Hear that part too?? The same day I was begging) I asked God for some type of confirmation. He had to made it obvious that it was Him talking and not just me trying to fix things. But tonight, at church, it was like a growing tightness in my chest. I couldn’t keep it in anymore. It was more painful to keep it suppressed than it is just to get it out” >>—-> Now wives…..Please tell me at this point in a conversation like this, would your husbands even be able to BREATH with your foot clamped down on their throats?!? GET IT OUT ALREADY, MAN!!!!!!! (good grief). “God is telling me we are supposed to adopt from **** in ******” (I can’t ruin the surprise this early in the blog)
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby Daddy, say what?!?!?!
No…Absolutely not….Don’t even start! We have spent 13 months applying, fundraising, saving, and searching for THIS adoption. No sir. Save it. Not today. Was he kidding me with this mess?!? This was a joke right?! Come on out Ashton!
So being the good obedient wife I am, I said no.
So we move on, move forward……yes?? Not so much!!
The days continued to pass, I sought wise counsel from those that have walked before me, but more than that…I whined, I complained, I think I even stomped my feet a couple of times. And, you can forget about me praying for it. I knew what I wanted. I knew what my heart was telling me. I knew what was best. So I moved on. (Notice all of those I’s…Yea, I will apologize for that later….keep reading)
So, let’s return to the recent past. Choose Joy 2014 arrived. I couldn’t wait to see the faces of all of the amazing women that had become friends through a social media app. Women that had stood in the gap for me when I just couldn’t bare another second of heartache. But, let it be known, I came with my own agenda as well. I was going to reenergize, I was going to show my husband just how wrong he was. I was coming back a newly charged and on fire momma ready to attack THIS adoption all over again. He would see!! He would look so silly when he saw just how right I was. I attended 3 breakaway sessions, I will give you the cliff notes of each. The 1st — Breadcrumbs from God. I loved this one, it related to everything I had already been experiencing. Those little moments where God says, “I’m still here….I am right here with you”. I like breadcrumbs. The 2nd — The good, bad, and ugly of International adoptiion. This one was okay. I had heard all of that statistics before. I have always loved international adoption. It was actually what I always through I would do based on what I felt adoption was. Truly rescuing a child that suffered a grave future. So that was easy, I was in and out of that one. The last — The good, bad, and ugly of domestic adoption. (Here we go…This is what I am talking about) This…one….WRECKED….me!! It was all about her failed adoption. Every single detail mimicked our loss of Sydney. I sat in my little corner of the group and I sobbed. That really ugly cry, you know that one that comes with a surprise snot session. So sexy, let me tell you, that was me at my finest. SEE!! I told you!!! How could I be so wrecked if I wasn’t supposed to be doing this. I obviously cared SOOOOOOO much!! God was at work…I just couldn’t quite yet see how.
Keep reading…..We are almost there!!
Choose Joy is one of the coolest things I have ever been a part of. Did you know that @ItsJustEmmy (Find her on IG, she’s rad) raised and gave away $7,000 to one lucky attendee. She also gave away an acupuncture package, a free consultant package with my favoritest consultant agency ever, AND a fundraiser package. Did I mention, I begged God to let me win. Not because I felt I deserved it more than anyone else in that room but mainly because I wanted to be right so I could shove it in my Hubby’s handsome face! But, I lost….and…I was…MAD!! Please understand, I was THRILLED for the winners. I think God knew exactly what he was doing. Did I mention how much I hate bring wrong?! Anyways..moving on! Over the remainder of the night I was allowed to casually share information learned, casual conversations turned into in depth discussions, and before I knew it I was painfully sobbing (yes,again) through a forced laughter in the parking lot. Little by little I was starting to see the error of my ways and it scared me. I refused it. I seriously told myself I was crazy and I may or may not have had some wine and yummy blackberry cider before bedtime. Morning came and I had to say goodbye to my new and forever friends. I was given the opportunity to lay in my hotel bed, staring at the ceiling (oh, and guess what, this hotel room had a ceiling fan! Love it) and it was then, at that very moment, that I surrendered. I physically, emotionally, and spiritually couldn’t carry this burden anymore. I visualized myself laying at His feet, asking God to take it. Asking Him to take over. I will once again commit to His will. I had this clarifying moment of Jesus. Right before he is taken to the cross Jesus begged, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” Who am I to hold on to what ‘I’ want?! How dare I?? Am I really that shallow and self absorbed that I should ask God to give me MY wishes when His plan is always greater?! No more. I am His and He is mine.
Guys, I can’t in all good conscious come to you and tell you that the road will be easy. Heck, I’m still mid journey so I can’t say much at all. Heck, I’m still mid journey so I can’t say much at all. But what I can tell you, is that for over a month I have been tired, sick, moody, and just wanted to give up. I couldn’t hear God because I was throwing too big of a fit! I thought I was fighting the typical struggle of the journey but in reality I was fighting God’s superior plan for me. I can’t promise much of anything but I can testify to the power of God’s work. I needed a village and He took me. I HATED Choose Joy. It was AWFUL!!!!!! It didn’t give me what I wanted, but it gave me exactly what I NEEDED! I spent Sunday with two phenomenal women that love their families and are obedient to God’s calling. In a very short period of time they fed my soul, I believe they were the foundation for what was coming. I woke up Monday morning and guys….I could hear him again….I felt his presence surround me and I was energized, but for a different mission.
I arrived to the airport 3 hours early, what should have been an inconvenience was in fact again God’s work. During the international meeting I was given a book. A book that I have been wanting for close to a year and just never made the effort to acquire. If you haven’t read “Adopted for Life” get your hands on it….QUICK!! Before I opened it I had a little one on one time with the Big Man upstairs. I asked that if this was truly Him talking then please speak louder. I wanted to believe that He had not abandoned me, so please, speak louder so my stubborn heart can hear. These were the words I heard, that I wrote, before I even cracked open to the first page.
And then I began. I go back and look at what I read and I can’t explain the emotions. The absolute turmoil that was resonating in my gut, heart, and apparently behind my eyeballs because the flood gates opened. I sat in a small corner of the airport (next to an outlet of course) and I silently wept. I knew what God had called me to do when I was only 17 years old but I allowed my fears, excuses, and the pain of a miscarriage sway me. I admit, I let the loss of an infant send me on the journey for an infant. My heart knew differently and my God knew better. And with surrender comes victory.
I am here to admit, to each of you and still very reluctantly to my Husband. He was right. I was wrong. God is pulling my husband to the forefront, He was speaking clearly to my Hubs so that he could be the leader of his family. Tonight, I admitted what they already knew. Tonight we began our new journey to bringing our Starfish home.