Adoption will wreck you. It will cause you pain, hurt, anger, and despair. It will confuse you and leave you breathless. Words will fail you. Your flesh will fail you. Adoption…IS…HARD!! I’m not in the mood to sugar coat it, but adoption doesn’t need to be sugar coated. I am MAD!! I am hurt!!! I am heartbroken. As I sit here in my husband’s FSU flannel pajamas, wrapped up in blanket, rocking my bedhead, I contemplate putting my foot through someone’s office door. I am MAD!! And Hell knows no fury like an angry Mother’s wrath! But I embrace that anger. I accept it as part of my journey. I’m not giving up. I am accepting. I am collecting myself and rebuilding. I am keeping the promise I made on day 1. We did not walk into this battlefield naively. And trust me, adoption is a battlefield. The battle is real. But so is love. It is the most real…raw…and true thing I have ever experienced. It is love, and love has been called a lot of things but never has it been called ‘easy’.
If you feel called, even in the smallest most insignificant way. If the strings of your heart are being pulled and you are not sure why. I beg of you, listen. And then, act. Trust that feeling. Trust that calling. It will be the most rewarding moments of your life. It will open your world to new people, amazing people full of a kind of love that can’t be explained. A kind of love that is not painted with black and whites. It’s a world that belongs on a different level. Adoption surprises you. It fills your world with all of the good things that go unseen. Please don’t let the bad scare you. Don’t let the scary things turn you away. Does adoption suck rusty nails? At times…Yes! But it’s sooooo much more than that. The layers of adoption never end.
Today sucks rusty nails. Tomorrow may be a repeat of today. But I won’t stop. I won’t turn away. Because even when my flesh fails me. Even when this WORLD fails me. My God never will. I got to experience the amazing love of a little girl. I was given the opportunity to share sweet tea with two amazing women that have lived life. They have lived a hard life, full of failures and regret, and they could have caved. They could have given in to a broken world, a broken heart, but instead they stood strong in their faith. They turned to God and they trust Him to fight for them. I am honored to walk this walk. I may be losing in one aspect but I am gaining in so many others.
I am hiding from the world, I don’t think anyone can argue with that decision. But I am reading every one of your messages. I am soaking them in, using them to gain strength. I am smiling, crying, laughing, and then crying again. Last night I received what may be the best compliment i have ever received…EVER. It is what I have repeated to myself throughout the night and will continue to do so in coming days. All it said was, “You are what love looks like.”
Wow! What an honor. What an amazing blessing. I have no words after that. So I challenge you. Go. Go be what love looks like.