This Little Light of Mine

THIS….IS….HARD!!

I can’t speak for everyone. There is no denying that blogs are the independent views of the writers so just keep that in mind as I spew all over the page today.

Adoption is simply hard today. It’s defeating and heavy and IT…TAKES…FOREVER!!! Satan is at work in my head. He is dropping in his little lies that deflect my attention toward God.

He is telling me things like,

1…This is just TOO big for us.

2…This is NEVER going to happen.

3…We should have done this…that…or this…or maybe that…instead of this.

4…Who are WE to ask OTHERS for THEIR $$ to help US??

5…We don’t HAVE to do this.

On day 1 I promised to be open, truly open and vulnerable during this experience. My goal was to share our experience while hopefully educating others who were considering beginning their own adoption journey. Today is not a day of rainbows and lollipops. In continued effort of being honest I have to say all 5 of these things have haunted me day and night this past week. When they each come up individually I can suppress them, I can place them at God’s feet and keep moving forward. But when all 5 show up at the same flippin time….I don’t handle it as gracefully.

1…This IS too big for us, but it’s not too big for our God. <—I do know this in my heart of hearts so I won’t go any further.

2…It has been eleven montths. We have had a failed match and a failed attempt at adoption. It has been ELEVEN months! I will NEVER say our journey is harder than anyone else’s and I know for a fact that our journey is a cake walk to some. But this is my journey and my pain, I process it the best that I can. Pain is Pain. Loss is Loss. And impatience…..well impatience is just a trait born to all sinners.

3….There are so many opinions on foster, domestic, and infant adoption. Everyone chooses one of the three for a very specific reason to them individually. I won’t even begin to compare the 3 because they are all uniquely beautiful in their own way. I know why we chose domestic and I stand firm in that reason BUT I am also tormented by the what if’s or what if it never. I catch myself saying, we should have gone international. We should have fostered first. We should have……

4…UGH!! This one might be one of the two worst. It doesn’t matter how much scripture you throw at me or home many couples have been there/done that and continue to encourage us, this part is one of the hardest!!! Kelsey and I have had jobs from the day we turned 16. We have paid our way through everything from day 1. We don’t have debt, we don’t spend money on extravagant cars or vacations. We have old minivans with aftermarket parts and live by the beach so we get FREE STAYcations. Our biggest thrill is Thursday night family dinner’s with friends & kids….and that’s only because it’s $1.00 beer/$1.00 pizza night AND soccer practice just happens to be one mile away. But yet this truly is too big for us to do alone. Losing Sydney was hard in it’s own right but we accepted that, picked up the pieces and moved forward. What we didn’t expect was the harsh reality of what adoption is still going to costs us when we do find our forever BabyLove. We had VERY naively expected up to another $10,000 in legal costs and finalization. Yea…..Ummmm…..No!! After meeting a countless number of adoptive parents, both with our agency and outside of our agency, we were corrected. Are you ready for this?! I am only typing it because I still don’t have the strength to say it without vomiting a little. $15,000-$30,000!!!!! That is AFTER our agency & homestudy fees. We are soooooooooo nowhere near that. That scares the crap out of me, guys!!! And this is what leads me into #5. 

#5…Before I even tell you. I have to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness for my brattiness and lack of faith. My complete brat-tastic behavior is inexcusable and I am in desperately plea of grace. When I am at my lowest satan knows exactly what to put in my head, the one thing that makes me feel guilty and frustrated at the same time. We don’t HAVE to do this. Don’t get me wrong, adoption is sincerely and completely ‘plan A’ for us. There has not been a single second of our journey that I have doubted God’s calling on our life to adopt. So this is simply out of my own stubbornness and desire to do things my way. K & I CAN make and birth children if we choose. We could make the choice today to biologically have our own children, bypass the waiting, fundraising, and emotional meltdowns. I have actually said that to my husband at one point. I am pretty sure my exact words were, “I’m not doing this anymore and you can’t make me!!!” God bless him for knowing my heart and responding with, “Yes you are, and I will just drag you along until you are ready to walk again.” Hahaha!!! Again…God bless him! ❤

Adoption is also hard because not everyone else agrees with it or understands it the way we do. Recently my character was been under attack. I was told that I am a horrible person who got what they deserved.  I was called a bad parent and my kids should be taken away as well. I had someone tell me, “You need to save yourself before you try and save the world!” Am I a bad person if that last comment made me cackle….like in a really big way?! Are you kidding me right now? I am saved. My Father saved me when He died on the cross. I am born a sinner and I will die a sinner. I can’t control that. But, what I CAN control is how I choose to live my life, what I fight for, and the people I choose to love and defend. How about I just focus on that for a little while and let God handle the rest.

I choose adoption. No matter how ugly it gets, until every family has their baby home where they belong, I will always choose adoption.

I wish I could say this was fun everyday. Adoption is so full of joy, new friends, God’s love and the small details He presents in His good time. But today, today I am pouting. I am tired in every way conceivable. I don’t want to cry anymore, I don’t want to wait anymore, and I most definitely do not want to fundraise anymore. 

You have all seen them. There is no sense in playing nice now, we’re all family here!! My 57 posts a day on Facebook about our envelope game, prizes to be awarded, an upcoming auction, BabyLove Blankets for sale, and any other random thing that crosses our mind. It’s a beating, right?! It’s okay…You can say it…It is for us too. We hope you know our hearts. We pray you believe our sincereity as we navigate this VERY unchartered territory. With every fundraising attempt we hope to find a way to pay it forward. We won’t launch an idea without knowing that there is a return for you in some way. Because, in the biggest way, you are just as much a part of this journey as we are. Someone recently introduced themselves to me on Instagram by labeling themselves as ‘just a stranger’. I disagreed. There are no strangers here, only family and friends that haven’t met yet. That is the definition of adoption.

I am so blessed by each and every one of you. When I am weak you stand in the gap for me. When I am tired you rally me back to my feet. Our adoption journey has allowed me to make friendships that will last a lifetime. It has given me the opportunity to travel to states that I have never been too and hug the necks of women that have been there/done that. So for every single person that has said a pray, sent a penny, or stood in the gap for me…..Whether you are my blood relative, family by marriage, my childhood friend,  my bank teller, or my IG bestie….Thank you! It is something I will never forget, never take for granted, and I will spend the rest of my life paying it forward. You are my family, whether by blood or by adoption, because adoption makes us family.

 

If you would like to join our attempts at surviving adoption follow us:

Facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/starfishsearch

Instagram @ HeartGrownBabyLove.

~ or you can donate ~

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=B6GUZGLS4JSUQ

Random bit of info…..If every one of our Facebook & Instagram friends donated only $16.29 we would be FULLY funded!! No more fundraisers. No more nagging posts. No more headache. Hmmmmmm…..I think I just came up with my next status update!! LOL

 

ine

 

Today Was a Good Day

Today was a good day. Simple as that! Today was one of those days I will look back and say, “Remember when?”

I say it a lot (and I will continue saying it), but the adoption world is a different world. It’s not better (well, I personally think it is but I will allow that to be my isolated opinion…just this one time)…it’s definitely not worse…it’s just different. Today I met 2 ladies, that by all definition are strangers. We’ve never met in person, I’ve never heard their voices, yet we share a common bond and we know intimate details about each other’s lives. If I have learned anything in this world it’s that adoptive momma’s very rarely have a filter. There’s no curtain drawn shut to hide the ups & downs of our journeys. We rely on each other in a desperate clingy way. 

 The picture ^above^ was only a matter of hours after meeting!

The picture below…Well, that’s another story for another time! 🙂

 

When new friends meet it’s common that it happens over a meal, maybe lunch and some ice cream. We did that….and some! 

What happens (and how they happen) in AMom meetings stay in AMom meetings! But what I WILL say is, this tattoo has blessed my life! I realize that may sound absurd to some but it truly has. This tattoo is my testimony. 5 years ago I NEVER would have gotten a wrist tattoo, heck I didn’t have any tattoos 5 years ago. But today, today I am aware of the way my God has saved my life. I proudly walk the path He lies down for me. The tattoo is my opportunity to share with others the way that my God never leaves me, He carries me when I can no longer walk, He loves me when I can’t even love myself. A lotus flower represents overcoming something difficult or hard in your life. The same way the lotus flower grows from something ugly but uses the light to guide it to the top and eventually becomes something beautiful so it is with people. When designing this I twisted the stem into an ‘S’ to represent the moment in our journey that Sydney will always be a part of!! Yes, Sydney. She was a piece of the puzzle and I will forever be grateful for the relationships and opportunities her presence in our lives has allowed.

Whether you are reading my blog for the very first time or for the 50th time, she played a part in that. She will forever have a place in our hearts and she now has a place on my skin. I don’t want to forget. It will always hurts. I will always miss her and long for her to come home, but I don’t want to forget. Remembering her keeps me focused, it reminds me of why we chose adoption and of how God chose us. It didn’t matter to God’s son that we are sinners, that we carried more burden than can be defined, and that we would continue to be broken and wretched. He died for us. He chose us. He loved us.

Today I rejoiced in friendship. I cried out in a little bit of pain, but more than that I laughed, hugged, and laughed some more. Today was full of joy. Today was God’s reminder that we are never alone. He sends an army, sometimes for fighting and sometimes just to put their arms around our necks and say, “Hi Friend”

Wanna know how our day ended?! It wasn’t all fun and games……..

 

……….or was it?! Locked out of the mini-van before we ever made it to the beach!

 

But wanna know the coolest part?! I LOVE it when God is in the details!! After calling roadside assistance (and taking that walk on the beach while we waited for a locksmith) this guy arrives and guess what……..He is an adoptive DAD!!! Just as proud and equally eager to share his story and pictures to prove it! 

We serve an amazing God! A Father that loves His children and provides for their needs! I needed this today. When I woke up this morning I didn’t know my life without these amazing women, and as I go to bed I don’t know how I ever lived without them!

John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

School is in Session

This is a random post on a random day. I have been told (I can’t imagine what they could be talking about) that I am a pretty random person though so this should be my easiest post yet. No update, no profound thoughts or provoking discussions. Just one of those moments where I dig out of my soap box, dust it off and climb up. Who am I kidding, my soap box on adoption is my coffee table. It’s always within arms reach! 🙂 Feel free to read along and nod your head or feel free to comment your valid yet opposing opinions below. But heed warning, I will not approve anything that includes personal attacks, insults, or degrades the adoption community. I honor you and your respectful opinion. However, I will delete any disrespect or hate because it has no place here.

 

I was recently scrolling through Facebook and a post caught my attention. Anytime I see the word “adoption” these days I am hooked. It was posted by one of my newly made and highly adored adoptive Momma’s. It turns out it was quite an interesting and yet alarming debate about adoption & the fundraising that makes it possible for 99% of us. (Don’t bother looking up that statistic, I only wrote what I personally felt was most accurate) It was interesting yet alarming because of the fact that so many people had so many…ummm…what’s the word…LOUD opinions, yet very few of them had walked the same path as she (or we) had. I always find the opinions of the unexperienced to be ‘fun’. They don’t offend me, they do not upset or deter me, but like anything else in our society the uneducated just need to be educated. You won’t catch me teaching someone how to bake a cake or knit a scarf. I most definitely can’t teach someone to play an instrument or sing in tune (Good Lord, don’t ask me to sing in tune). We all have our walks in life, I guess I just choose to embrace mine while respecting yours.

 Now, this is just the opinion of one. Mine means no more than yours or anyone else’s. The thing that I find to be the most misunderstood in general is the motive behind adopting. Adoption is commonly seen as a Plan ‘B’. Like, “Well, it looks like we are barren so we might as well adopt”. I can understand how that rumor may have started BUT for the life of me I can not understand how it has not evolved over the years.

 A little adoption education for ya…..Did you know in 1851 Massachusetts passed the first modern adoption law, recognizing adoption as a social and legal operation based on child welfare rather than adult interests. Historians consider the 1851 Adoption of Children Act an important turning point because it directed judges to ensure that adoption decrees were “fit and proper.” How this determination was to be made was left entirely to judicial discretion. AND, did you know they had a movement that was named, ‘The Orphan Train’. The orphan trains are among the most famous episodes in adoption history. Between 1854 and 1929, as many as 250,000 children from New York and other Eastern cities were sent by train to towns in midwestern and western states, as well as Canada and Mexico. Families interested in the orphans showed up to look them over when they were placed on display in local train stations, and placements were frequently made with little or no investigation or oversight. (Controversial, right?!?! Yea, just a little bit!) It wasn’t even until 1891 that “the judge shall be satisfied as to the good moral character, and the ability to support and educate such child, and of the suitableness of the home, or the person or persons adopting such child.” <—- (WHAT?! It took 40 years before someone said, we better check these folks out first!”) Homestudies didnt’t even become mandatory until 1917! Did you know the first recorded transracial adoption of an African-American child by white parents took place in Minnesota. (I find this wildly fascinating) Twenty years ago, 1 percent of domestic adoptions were open. Now, 60 percent to 70 percent of domestic adoptions are open, which is why many agencies, whether advocates or opponents of the trend, offer open adoptions as an option!

 Come on people, it’s 2014!!! Our worlds have changed in a countless number of ways. Our homes, media, electronics, cars, hairstyles, and music have gone through eras of evolving. NOTHING is the same!! Yes, in some cases, a husband and wife find that they are not medically capable of having a biological child of their own. Their hearts long for a family and adoption is God’s blessing to these families. Adoption is a blessing in itself. It’s not stealing. It’s not ‘giving up’. It’s expanding a family through love. In a lot of cases, especially in our case, adoption is PLAN A. We are capable of creating and birthing biological children, we have successfully done so twice already. But, it wasn’t our plan. No, it wasn’t God’s plan. Adoption as well as the orphan ministry is a calling on our hearts that we feel very strongly about. We don’t NEED to adopt, we want to. 

 And in regards to fundraising, well I am going to keep this part brief (again, who am I kidding). Please do not think that you are any more annoyed  than we are by our fundraising attempts. We have to swallow our pride daily to push forward with another t-shirt sale, auction, bake sale, garage sale, raffle, and blanket making. We are so ridiculously blessed by so many of you, my goal is not to be confrontational. I have so much love for the people that simply ‘get it’. The ones that rally around us and love on our family. I mean NO disrespect whatsoever but some people are just mean with their words. I have seen a few comments multiple times, and they are ones that need to be addressed in a very direct way. It’s time we put things into perspective.

 Comment:  “If you can’t afford to do this on your own, you shouldn’t be doing it” or “$30,000 is robbery.”, “Who would pay that much money for a baby?” “Adoption is a scam. It’s all about the money”

Response: “Interesting. So did you write a check for that new car or did you pay cash? Oh…you financed it? They are letting you pay that sucker off over the next 60….Oh….72 months!!!! Gotcha! Let me find an attorney or an agency that will allow me to do the same and I will adjust our plans accordingly”…..oh….and one more thing….”I would. My children have no price tag too high. My children are priceless and can not be replaced. God’s children are something to be valued, loved, and held to the highest. So me….I would”

 Comment: “I didn’t fundraise when I birthed my children. Why should you be allowed to fundraise for yours”

Response: “Will you join me in writing congress to create an adoption insurance plan? I would LOVE to have a maximum deductible and pay my 20% of the bill. No…Oh…Okay, then I guess I will have to pay the entire bill. You won’t hear me complain, read the last line from the response above.”

 Why is fundraising for adoption so offensive to people?! Honest to all that is Holy, if I were to go back and keep record of every single box of Girl Scout cookies, coupon book, popcorn, wrapping paper, and candy bar I have ever bought I probably COULD write a check and pay this adoption off all by myself. But it doesn’t work that way. That isn’t what love looks like. We do these things, we support each other, out of love. We want to see people succeed. We want children to experience life and the pursuit of happiness. Why should adoption be any different?? That IS what adoption is all about. The real question is how can YOU put a price tag on a child’s chance at life? The desire to belong to a family. Who cares if it’s international, domestic, or foster. Why does the definition of family carry more weight than the benefits of simply belonging to one.

 For us, the number one misconception that we have faced is that some people believe we are allowing others to pay for our adoption. I don’t have to share this information, but I want to. In the last 11 months of our journey Kelsey and I have funded 80% of our costs out of our own pockets, 20% has been funded by fundraising. We did not walk into this wildly, it was never our plan to fundraise. We prepared, made a plan, saved, and prayed. But it was God’s word that showed us the error in our ways. It was the mentoring from others that taught us we were allowing our pride to slow God’s work in our lives. He never intended for us to do this alone, He sends an army to walk this journey with us. 

 So, I truly can not say it enough. THANK YOU! Whether it is by prayer, by hugs, or by monetary support. We are so grateful for you, the army that God has sent to walk with us. We feel more loved and God’s presence than ever before. Adoption truly sets our hearts on fire. This is our mission and we are honored to be a part of it. Someone recently said, “I can’t wait for you to have your baby home” in which my response was and will continue to be, “This is OUR baby” You are all our family, adopted through God’s grace & love. We are honored to share this journey with each of you. For those that don’t understand, that’s okay too…..Our prayer is that our experience will change the hearts of one. It only takes one.

 

 

For more on the adoption facts, dates and historical breakthroughs quoted above you can visit:

http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~adoption/timeline.html

http://www.researchetcinc.com/historyofadoption.html

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=124285

 

 

We’re Just Getting Started…..

T.H.R.E.E. <—- That is how many discouraging messages we received this week in regards to our adoption. Notice I didn’t say defeating, they didn’t stop me in my tracks nor did they send me on a detour. More than anything, it was disheartening to witness how freely three complete strangers could insult, degrade, and belittle my family. A year ago, those messages would have devastated me. I would have mulled over them, read them over and over again, probably would have even cried a couple of times. But now….now I simply pressed ‘delete’, rotated the clothes in my washer while telling my two Baby Loves to find their soccer cleats. You see, one year ago my life was forever changed. Our family of 4 was growing to 5 and in a moment’s notice we were back to 4. One year ago, in a single instant, I learned that life is full of so much pain and so much joy, I just had to choose which of the two I would allow to consume me.

I won’t relive that day today. Trust me, the first time was plenty. There are some amazing articles in regards to miscarriage, I highly recommend every one read them. Maybe for yourself and maybe for the sake of others.

This one hit closest home. This one helped me understand why I grieved a loss that was so early in my pregnancy, why that was okay, and why that will continue to be okay.

http://thelewisnote.blogspot.com/2014/02/why-miscarriage-matters-if-youre-pro.html

It’s amazing what can happen in a year. People come into your life that you never saw coming and they teach you all kinds of lessons you weren’t prepared to learn. The last 365 days have included a new city, a new home, new friends, new jobs, new chances, even a new (used, but new to us) minivan for our growing family. Our year was full of soccer leagues, basketball teams, beach trips, Mommy’s night out, and family fun days. We traveled to Costa Rica without anything more than a plane ticket and an orphanage address. Yes, we lost a part of us, a big part of us. We lost a life that we loved, but we also gained so much in return. We are full of hope and our faith remains strong. Our family will grow and we will continue to live, never forgetting what Baby C #3 allowed us to experience.

We believe in adoption. We adamantly and with nothing short of pure stubbornness choose adoption. Our hearts guide our actions, not the shallow words of confused strangers. We do not explain our actions, we only follow the calling God has placed on our lives. There is no step we take that we do not pray over. We trust in God’s ultimate plan for our family. I have said it before, and I have a feeling I will say it many MANY more times. Adoption for us is not about ‘getting’ a child, it’s about ‘giving’ our family to another. This blog and our Facebook page are not our marketing tool, this is our journey. We do not fear that birth-moms will see us as unstable or weak. We pray they see us as real and how strongly we love. This is us. For the good, bad, and yes even sometimes crazy, this is who we are. 

So you see, those 3 letters, they were just letters. They were just words from people that will never have the same impact on our lives as so many others that have invested in us, prayed for us, laughed and cried with us. We have learned so many things because of so many amazing people full of unending joy. We choose joy. We will always choose joy.

Some very smart, wonderful, loving, and kind people once said:

Love Always Wins

Choose Joy

Refuse Small Love

Find The Joy in The Journey

Go Be Love

Adoption will wreck you. It will cause you pain, hurt, anger, and despair. It will confuse you and leave you breathless. Words will fail you. Your flesh will fail you. Adoption…IS…HARD!! I’m not in the mood to sugar coat it, but adoption doesn’t need to be sugar coated.  I am MAD!! I am hurt!!! I am heartbroken. As I sit here in my husband’s FSU flannel pajamas, wrapped up in blanket, rocking my bedhead, I contemplate putting my foot through someone’s office door. I am MAD!! And Hell knows no fury like an angry Mother’s wrath! But I embrace that anger. I accept it as part of my journey. I’m not giving up. I am accepting. I am collecting myself and rebuilding. I am keeping the promise I made on day 1. We did not walk into this battlefield naively. And trust me, adoption is a battlefield. The battle is real. But so is love. It is the most real…raw…and true thing I have ever experienced. It is love, and love has been called a lot of things but never has it been called ‘easy’. 

If you feel called, even in the smallest most insignificant way. If the strings of your heart are being pulled and you are not sure why. I beg of you, listen. And then, act. Trust that feeling. Trust that calling. It will be the most rewarding moments of your life. It will open your world to new people, amazing people full of a kind of love that can’t be explained. A kind of love that is not painted with black and whites. It’s a world that belongs on a different level. Adoption surprises you. It fills your world with all of the good things that go unseen. Please don’t let the bad scare you. Don’t let the scary things turn you away. Does adoption suck rusty nails? At times…Yes! But it’s sooooo much more than that. The layers of adoption never end. 

Today sucks rusty nails. Tomorrow may be a repeat of today. But I won’t stop. I won’t turn away. Because even when my flesh fails me. Even when this WORLD fails me. My God never will. I got to experience the amazing love of a little girl. I was given the opportunity to share sweet tea with two amazing women that have lived life. They have lived a hard life, full of failures and regret, and they could have caved. They could have given in to a broken world, a broken heart, but instead they stood strong in their faith. They turned to God and they trust Him to fight for them. I am honored to walk this walk. I may be losing in one aspect but I am gaining in so many others.

I am hiding from the world, I don’t think anyone can argue with that decision. But I am reading every one of your messages. I am soaking them in, using them to gain strength. I am smiling, crying, laughing, and then crying again. Last night I received what may be the best compliment i have ever received…EVER. It is what I have repeated to myself throughout the night and will continue to do so in coming days. All it said was, “You are what love looks like.”

Wow! What an honor. What an amazing blessing. I have no words after that. So I challenge you. Go. Go be what love looks like. 

WRECKED

“You are so strong.” “I don’t know how you do it.” “You are such an inspiration.” “Wow!” “You are amazing!!”

I….AM….NOTHING. I am no one. 99% of the time I am weak, vulnerable, and wrecked. 1% of the time I am a wrecking ball at the end of a chain attached to a machine controlled by a man. I have no real knowledge of what I throwing myself at, I just go where I am told to go. I trust that the main man upstairs is swinging me in the right direction of whatever demolition he has already planned. But, I have come to terms with that. I have accepted my brokenness, because, this was never really my work to begin with. I didn’t seek this out. I didn’t put an ad on Craigslist saying, “Bring ME your tired and weary”. I didn’t ask for any of this. So again, I am nothing. At most, I am hands and feet and I am doing my Father’s work. He is so strong. He is the one doing it. He is the inspiration.

Today’s meeting did not go as I hoped. It was discouraging to say the least. I don’t really care to walk through the details if that is okay with everyone. All I will say is before we met, I prayed, I asked God to give me the words and He gave me nothing. Everything that came to my lips was defensive and confrontational, so I said nothing. I was insulted and disregarded, yet I said nothing. I was judged by my cover, yet I said nothing. And when it was all over, I handed over our official home study and family book and hopefully that will do the talking for me and my family. After she was gone I had that moment of, “Well, this is what I should have said!!! I should have told her this. or I should have defended that” but just as quickly as I angered I became calm. I said nothing because God silenced me. He kept my heart at peace and he put me into action when it was time, and ultimately that was my prayer. He gave me what I asked for. Now, I pray He works on the hearts of court officials. I pray they see our intent and not be blinded by their past experiences with others. For now, I do nothing, there is nothing left to do. I just pray.

I had someone tell me, “Man…You must be so WRECKED”. And I am, but wrecked in the best way. My moment of defeat may come, I know that. I have accepted that. But more than any pain I may feel, I feel honored. I feel privileged for any opportunity that God gives me to be a tool for Him. It’s no secret that we don’t know the outcome of this. We know the reality that faces us, we could walk home empty handed. And don’t think for one second we are taking this lightly. I will have my moment of despair. I will cry, and scream, and kick my feet. I will be mad, hurt, and will curse the man that sent me. But I will be okay. I willingly and eagerly take this walk with Him. Because at the end of this journey, this very small piece of our journey, I will have accomplished so much. I have built strong Godly relationships with complete strangers. I have adopted Syd’s Great-Aunt and Grandma as my family, no matter what. I have been a part of creating a nursery for one of my best friend’s heartgrown babies. We will praise Him no matter what. If God has drug me through this to help even one other person, then we shall praise Him. If He is testing my limits to bring others close to Him, then we shall praise Him. And if He sends me home without her, well, I will throw a fit, but I will look back at all of the amazing things that have happened to us and for us. And yes…we will still praise Him.

I WILL be a mess, but I also know that I WILL be okay. God will carry me when I can stand no longer. He never leaves me. He never forsakes me. He is for me.

So for now, we stand. There is no more fighting, no more steps to be taken, and no more words to be screamed. We stand strong in our faith and we let Him work.

 

 

¹³ Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. ¹⁴ Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, ¹⁵ and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; ¹⁷ and takethe helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ~ Ephesians 6:13-17

Joy in The Journey

GROUND BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!

I showered AND put a blow dryer to my hair today! And…not to toot my own horn but I might have even put on mascara! Woooah…I know, right?! After the week I have had you couldn’t convince me that I didn’t give birth to this child! THIS alone was my greatest success today. Today was a good day!! I realize this may be the most boring blog entry in the history of all blogs but I am going to need someone to give me the ‘slow clap’!

I am taking in all of the good, I am savoring it and appreciating it because I have quickly learned that each day brings new challenges and defeats. With every one answer we gain 10 more questions. It’s a darn good thing I am every bit of stubborn as my husband says I am! But, before the bad, ugly, and frustrating I want to list the good, positive, and optimistic. A couple of days ago a newly made friend, who loves Texas AND Florida as much as I do, told me to list 3 things I was thankful for so I wouldn’t get swallowed by all of the obstacles in our path.

So here it goes:

1. I am thankful for a God that shields information. A God that is not worried about hurting our feelings or who is not concerned with what we WANT rather than what we NEED! If we had known all of the details before making the 19 hour drive to our Sydney we know we never would have made the drive at all. We never would have seen her face. We never would have known her smile. We would have missed out on a tiny, amazing, and beautiful human. So yes, even through the pain, tears, and fears…I am thankful.

2. I am thankful for the unknown. Don’t get me wrong….The unknown sucks rusty nails at times….but, the unknown is also a beautiful thing. 8 months ago I didn’t know a girl and her game warden husband. I didn’t know the true and pure friendship and relentless support she would offer. And, I most definitely didn’t know that she would open up her home to me and mine. 

3. I am thankful for adoption. Not just the practice of adoption but the true meaning behind it. Embracing love in it’s most raw form. Supporting strangers out of nothing but love. Families and friends growing through love rather than genetics. In my personal opinion, there is nothing greater in my life. 

Now..The update that I promised you. I wish I had more but unfortunately (for you and me both) this is all we have. 

1. CPS are big stupid poop heads! Yep…I just went all kinds of preschool cusswords on them! Please don’t misunderstand me, I have the upmost respect for social workers that are passionate for justice and dedicate their lives to children who can not speak and fight for themselves. However, I have nothing short of disgust for people who insult the less fortunate, who neglect phone calls and emails and voicemails for weeks, and I am at the point of vomiting thanks to retired airplane mechanics that lie, threaten, and complain about their jobs in the presence of the disabled who would love to be at work bringing in a decent paycheck. I’m sorry your job is hard. I am sorry that you are bored in your retirement and just took this job for extra money. Most of all, I am sorry you have to visit with families that are in a place in their lives where they need the support of others. But stop wasting everyone’s time and playing with the precious seconds of life. Just find something…anything…else to do!! Shame on you!

2. The paternal Great Aunt ‘C’ and paternal grandmother ‘S’ are amazing. They have lived a real life with real struggle and yet they live confidently in God’s word. They are in this fight with us, and although we have learned quickly that our personalities greatly differ they are ‘huggers’ so all is right in our world!  They love Syd sooo much, in the most selfless way, and want to see her succeed in life. They are fighting to give her a better future knowing that we would never erase her past. We are building and strengthening our relationship on a daily basis. We meet here in the Z’s house, there in C’s house, sometimes at the great grandmother’s house, and even in the downtown library. We talk about our kids, our familes, our childhoods. We talk about Florida and what waits for Syd there. We talk about church and how important the mission field is to our family. And we talk about lazy days on the beach with our friends, just playing til the sun sets in the distance. We just talk. And everyone knows, I like talking.

3. We have lost count of the number of attorneys we have spoken to, gained knowledge from, and been turned away by. Through recommendation after recommendation we are narrowing in our selections to local family attorneys that are familiar with our judge, our CPS case worker, and our family. We have connections in the Kaufman county district that have put us in touch with current and past CPS agents that have given us valuable information on the necessary steps to take and most of them we have already taken. For example, getting approved as an additional caretaker which allows me more bonding time with Syd.

4. The birth parents are still MIA, which is not necessarily a good or bad thing. Believe it or not, we pray for them. We pray for the demons they are facing and that they find the strength to overcome them. We can not love Sydney without loving them. Without them we do not have her. Out of respect for them and for Sydney we choose not to share the details of our birth parents. That is a story we will share with Sydney when it is time. She will know that God had His hands all over her tiny body and He has a big plan for her one day!

5. As of today we have no changes. Nothing has happened. It has been quite the uneventful week which at times has been annoying. We are at the mercy of CPS and their timing.

6. Now, as of tomorrow, we have tasks to complete. Syd has her monthly physical therapists appointment which I now get to be a part of. She is perfectly healthy in every way, this is just a routine requirement due to CPS having managing conservatorship over her. We will then visit the courthouse to gain more information about her court appointed attorney and to request a court appointed CASA (court appointed special advocates). This is the person that becomes the eyes and ears for the judge. They have a strong opinion in the courts and we hope to build a positive relationship with him/her in the upcoming weeks.

7. Yes, I said weeks. We recently learned the next scheduled hearing is set for Friday, March 28th. I can’t explain the way my stomach tightened when I heard that date. How do I go home, losing valuable bonding time with Syd? But, how do I stay away from home, missing my husband and oldest two? Fortunately spring break is coming. It wasn’t a planned expense but we will make due. The plan is to request permission to take Syd with me, but that is another prayer for another day. (Please…Will you say a pray for us as well). If denied, she is surrounded by a support system here that will continue to love on her and protect her while I am away. I will fly to Florida for 9 days and then return as we prepare for court. This will be the day the judge will have to make a decision. Terminate rights and ultimately decide the fate for Syd. Or, will he set yet again another extension for non existent parents to come forward.

 

What we don’t know:

If CPS will ever play nice or attempt to do what is best for Syd.

What is the goal of Sydney’s court appointed attorney.

If the courts will feel Syd belongs with us in Florida and will allow it to happen.

What we do know:

The district judge was recently placed in his position. Prior to this he strictly worked CPS law and has a high intolerance for missing parents. 

He supports open adoptions and believes positive relationships between biological and adoptive families is truly in the best interest of the child both now and in the future.

 

CPS are big stupid poop heads (sorry, had to throw that one in again) 🙂

 

I wish I had more concrete information, truly for the sake of us all I do, but I don’t. It’s a roller coaster, of emotions…of appetite…and of fears…but NEVER once has our decision to stay and fight wavered. Never once I have questioned if she is our daughter. And not for a single second have I ever known about this child and not loved her. For now, I will love on her, cuddle and hug on her, take long walks and take silly selfies with her. I will enjoy every second of every day I get to be her Mom. She is mine and I am hers….Always and forever.

 

Please pray for open hearts, gentle spirits, and the continuous pouring out of love. Let them see God in our actions and hear Him in our words. If I am half the woman my mother is, I am twice the force they were prepared for! ❤ 

 

The Loud Screech of Silence

 

I wanted to write, I really did. I wanted to scream it from the top of the mountains but right as I reached the peak the wind was knocked out of me. My mouth opened but nothing came out. It was the most surreal moment, I am holding a child in my arms…MY child in my arms…and in one swift moment the entire world was ripped out from beneath me. I honestly don’t know how to share those moments because I feel as if my brain is forbidding me from reliving it. Can you relive trauma? How can you recall it adequately enough to describe the pain? The isolation? I think I know what going into shock feels like. It’s a deadening calm. It’s when the sounds around you start to blend into a hum. The world around you continues but the world inside you is frozen still. But, I promise you, I tried…..and I kept trying…but this was all I could get out.

 

Cliff notes of my life. I would stare at the computer and the only words that came out were, What is happening? How did I get here? WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!?!? And, as much as I hate to admit it now the one question that repeated in my head AND out loud was , “WHY ME, GOD?!? WHY DID YOU SEND ME??? PICK ON SOMEONE ELSE FOR A MINUTE” 

So this was all I could write…..This was literally the only thing my heart felt. I closed the computer and I never looked back. I had work to do and I couldn’t let my tears blur my vision.

We received a phone call on Sunday morning at 10:41am. A child was in the care of her great aunt and the great aunt was seeking a family for permanent placement. Parental rights had been terminated. Were we interested? I think it goes without saying what our answer was and what happened next.

19 hours later and 1200 miles later…..We met a tiny, amazingly beautiful, and alert 10 week old baby girl. I don’t expect anyone reading this to understand but it felt as if I was coming back from a 10 week vacation and I was holding my child in my arms again. It was never awkard. Not even for a second did I wonder about where she came from. My heart knew where she had always been.

 

1 hour later….I was able to go through all of her legal documents and I have NEVER felt the physical pain that I felt in that moment. Parental rights had NOT been terminated. The Great-Aunt was given court appointed conservatorship but our daughter was a ward of the state. CPS had gotten their hands on our daughter before we could. This child, in the eyes of our legal system, was not my child. I was no one. I was an intruder. I was the crazy woman that drove 19 miles to take this child home. I was the outsider who didn’t belong. So the one BILLION dollar question now was….what now?!

So as much as I would like to tell you what transpired over the next couple of days, I can’t. I don’t remember. Until now, when I just looked at my watch, I couldn’t even tell you today’s date. I do however remember, at one point I had a choice:

1. Suffocate myself by the pillow that drowned out my uncontrollable sobbing.

or

2. Suffocate myself by the uncontrollable sobbing.

I questioned my God. Oooooooh have mercy, my God heard what I thought about him. Why me? Why did you send me? I have no business here! I can’t do anything here! I don’t understand. This doesn’t make sense. This is dumb. I am dumb. Oh my God!! We shared the good news! Everyone knows now! What am I supposed to say? How do I explain? We bought baby stuff? What do I do with it? Can I return it? Do I gift it? I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough. I won’t do this again. Forget this. We will just get pregnant. THIS…IS…TOO…BIG for me!! I don’t like to admit it, but I owe you the truth. I was angry, angry in a way that made my world a dark miserable place. I cried myself to sleep…awoke…cried myself to sleep again…awoke…and this continued longer than I can recall. This WAS too big for me…but for just that small moment I forgot…NOTHING was too big for my God!!!

I could very easily share the nitty gritty, the ugly dramatic details, but I won’t. I don’t feel like I need to. My daughter…Yes, I still believe with my whole heart she is my daughter…is not defined by her biology, conception, or birth. My daughter is not to be seen by her first 10 weeks. Because my daughter is loved. She is wanted. SHE…IS….CHOSEN!! My daughter has a testimony and she is going to be a force in this world! God has an amazing plan for her. I pray I will be the Mom that gets to watch it unfold.

You see, THIS is the REALITY of our situation.

Our child is a ward of the state.

Our child is managed and overseen by Child Protective Services.

Our child’s biological parents have NOT been terminated however they are MIA and have been since the day she was born.

Our child’s paternal family has been given court appointed custody AND they are 100,000% in support of us being her forever home. 

As of this moment we have zero rights. We are not allowed to be with her without the supervision of her great aunt or grandma (which please understand, allow us to see her as much as possible but she has a whole other set of responsibilities that doesn’t allow for her to sit at home all day) They are fully cooperating and fighting alongside of us.

Yes, you read me right. We are fighting for our daughter. We are going to walk along the court system. Again, I won’t go into details but God has sent an army! YOU…You are our army! Your prayers are felt. Doors are opening. Government official’s hearts are softening. As of Monday we will be named ‘next of kin’ in the legal system. We have spoken to countless attorneys, multiple CPS agents, and people from all over the country. Going forward we will be in every meeting, every court hearing, and every legal document that pertains to our daughter. And you know what, we may lose. We may walk home empty handed. But my prayer has changed. My motives have changed. For a solid week I have questioned my God. I have been weak in spirit and mind. I have spent more times on my knees than I have my feet. But He has NEVER left me. He continues to guide our steps and I will continue to seek Him. I will always praise Him. Like someone said to me today, “Your faith is intact but your map is missing”.

I still don’t know why I am here. I’m not sure if I will know anytime soon why He chose me. But I made him a promise. I believe His purpose will show itself and I will fight until every single door is slammed in my face. And after the shock, after the weeping and begging and sobbing, I wrote this. And I meant it.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

 I awoke to the familiar sound of a baby. The not quite crying fuss of an infant preparing for the whaling scream of hunger! I know this sound. I know it all too well. But this cry was welcomed with open arms and an open heart. This was the cry of my daughter. Yes….MY daughter!! Throughout the night I tossed, turned, twisted, and tightened. I cried out loud. Not the soft sad kind of crying but the the physically shaking kind of crying. I held my daughter and all I could do was pray. Begging didn’t make sense. Begging didn’t seem to be the answer. I clung to my faith only slightly tighter than I clung to my swaddled child. As sleep eluded me and the number of minutes I had to myself ran short I made a resolution with our Lord. My prayer in that moment went exactly like this: “Father, Your ultimate plans for our lives are so much grander than the fears and uncertainties before us. We asked to be Your hands and feet. Please, grant us this one desire. Grant us the one thing we already know in our hearts. Make her ours. But, if your plan is different than this then prepare our hearts for that journey. We will walk in the path You set for us, but guide us God, hold our hearts steady as we navigate uncharted territory. Our lives are Yours.”  As her eyes met mine and she let out a coo…I knew…She WAS mine. Maybe for a moment, hopefully for a lifetime, but as long as God allowed her to be mine I would love her, protect her, and fight for her better tomorrow. I took on the day with a whole new sense of energy and confidence. I felt empowered by the love of our Father. I can’t explain it and I don’t expect everyone to understand it. I know what the reality of our situation is, but I truly feel Him carrying me through. I believe in my heart that God’s purpose will prevail, whatever that may be. Faith is trust without sight.

 

I love you all! I can not thank you all enough. Please continue to pray. Our God is so good ALL the time!

 

XOXOX

 

Soooo….This just happened!!!

What can I possibly say?! What are the most appropriate words to adequately express what we are feeling at this very moment?!?! Shocked!! Speechless!! Blessed!! THANKFUL!! One family who made the most selfless decision and gave up something of theirs, something they worked hard for and earned for their home and yet they gave to us to help us bring home our son or daughter!! Truly AMAZING!! Kelsey and I can not wait to have our baby home and spend our days helping other families grow by following God’s calling in their lives!

I almost didn’t check it, I heard my email alert and I thought….”I’ll check it in the morning”…But of course my curiosity ALWAYS gets the best of me (I would be one dead cat!). It was a PayPal alert, we had received a donation. Another t-shirt payment probably, or maybe someone sent their $10 for their Super Bowl Square. Ummmmmm….What?! I’m confused? {Hit the sleeping husband as I jump up} No words followed…I think I just punched him like 3 more times. I literally had to hand him the phone because words had TRULY failed me! Chest pounding and hands shaking….Was this for real?!?! Tonight, as we were ending our day….A family in Texas was donating $1,200 to bringing our baby home. We are $1,200 closer to being a family of 5!!! Mind is blown….Heart is overflowing!!!

Just today we sat in church and our pastor said, “”He always gives us what we need to accomplish what He’s called us to do.”

W-O-W!!! God is good….ALL the time!

What They Don’t Tell You…..

 

I think it’s fair to say that most people would consider it common knowledge that adoption is not a decision that is made lightly. I am fairly certain that most people would also agree that adoption is either something that has always been in the back of your mind (no matter how big or small of a thought) or it just simply hasn’t. I’m by no means an expert on the topic but I have also heard on a consistent basis that most adoptive families would say they receive quite the handful of good, silly, hurtful, and just plain dumb questions in regards to adoption. However, do not misunderstand me, no matter how dumb the question may be we LOVE talking about adoption. You will never meet anyone that loves talking about adoption as much as someone who is going through or has been through an adoption. I can absolutely guarantee there are ZERO strangers in the adoption community, we have accepted and embraced that we too are one large family adopted into our Father’s kingdom.

 

The desire to adopt is much different than the action of adopting. It’s one giant leap over furthest cliff on top of the deepest valley that separates the two. It takes hours upon hours, days upon days, weeks upon weeks, and sometimes years upon years before you can even peak over the cliff much less kamikazee to the other side. I have lost count of the number of websites, books, blogs, and posts I have read to prepare for this. I continue to read those sources of information to keep me moving forward during this. Sooo…Muuuch…InFORmation!!!

They tell you that adoption is expensive, they don’t really need to TELL you that considering it’s all of those numbers on the first sheet of paper they send, but they tell you nonetheless. They tell you that there is a LOT of paperwork, and bloodwork, and leg work. They tell you that ever story is different. No two stories are the same. They tell you that skin color doesn’t matter, that love makes a family. They tell you that the love is instant, the confusion and pain will be instant as well, but the love you have for that heart grown child is no different than the love you feel the second you see the child from your womb.They tell you that adoption can take a long time. They even tell you that there is a chance that adoption may not happen for you.

 

What they don’t tell you is that adoption is EXPENSIVE!!!! Expensive in a way that money can not pay. Expensive in a way that only your sweat and tears can fund. They don’t tell you that besides the checks that you write to the adoption agency, the home study agency, the county clerk’s office, the doctor’s office, the Sheriff’s office, the post office (many many debit card swipes at the post office), the attorney’s office, oh and if you don’t get placed within a year you write another check to the home study agency, and then lastly the hospital for any medical bills that insurance didn’t pick up, you will also sign away your life, thoughts, heart, and sleep to this adoption. And then right when you think you have a grasp on the dollar sign Satan finds other ways to attack. Dog needs surgery, car needs tires, daughters need dental work, car’s timing belt starts going out, and just for fun let’s bust the power steering pump as well! What they don’t tell you is that you heart grows for a child that may never be yours. No matter how strong your faith is Satan has a way of working the “what if’s” into the back of your mind.  Paper pregnancy does not save you from every day worries. In fact, I believe it may bring on more. After carrying two daughters in my belly I had a pretty good idea of how healthy my daughters would be. I ate right, I was active, I didn’t (and don’t) smoke nor drink, I didn’t use drugs or climb on tall ladders, I took my vitamins and I never cancelled a single prenatal appointment.  But this time around, I get zero say….absolutely no control….and at the time being no idea what our babies first Mommy is doing or how well she is even able to take care of our baby. Paper pregnancy means you are stressing for 3 people, yourself….your baby….and your birthmother. What they also don’t tell you is how much you can possibly love a complete stranger, how your heart will truly transform because a woman, somewhere out there, chose life. Oh, and they most definitely don’t tell you how not everyone believes adoption is a wonderful thing…..and quite possibly that someone may be a family member….and nothing will ever hurt like someone you love telling you they don’t accept the child that you already love. No one told me that complete strangers would scold me for being selfish. Without any form of a filter, they would tell me how disgraceful that I am medically able to carry children and yet I selfishly am choosing to take a baby away from another woman. Now, they DID tell me that people would have their own opinions of that matter, and they DID tell me adoption takes a tough skin but they DIDN’T tell me that the thick skin develops over time and my skin is still in the beginning phases of callous development. I was not prepared for the effect that a total stranger, that I had known for a matter of 3 minutes, would have on me. Am I being selfish?! Was she right?! Are we right?! No one told me I would lie in bed almost every night asking the same questions over and over again. I lie in bed sleepless most nights calculating numbers in my head, worried that we might get THE call and we won’t have the right number of DOLLARS in our account. Everyone talks about how much fun or how easy or how many fundraiser ideas there are! And yet, no one tells you how guilty you feel posting yet another one for the same friends and family. It’s gut wrenching that you may be offending people or even the least bit bothersome. No one prepares you for the days that you just want to hide, that hiding just seems easier than being asked again, “so any new news yet?”. We are told how amazing adoption is. A true work of God. God’s love and grace. Constantly told how ‘worth it’ it is. But rarely do people say, adoption is hard….defeating….exhausting. 

 

The adoption journey begins differently for every person.  After years of infertility, drugs, doctors appointments, heartache, and loss, adoption becomes plan B. And for some, adoption is simply plan A. It’s just what they want and were meant to do. But no one ever talks about those of us that fall into both categories. Adoption was an easy decision for us, it was always going to be…eventually…but we never expected loss to redirect us to adoption. So again….Who was supposed to be the one to tell me the guilt I would feel for not being able to carry a baby to term so let’s pursue adoption. Am I only pursuing adoption because my baby died?! Or am I adopting because my baby died? In text that may not translate the way that I mean for it to but did one determine the other or did God allow one to happen so the other could. I am beyond annoyed that while rejoicing the celebration of adoption I must also mourn the loss of a life. That every year I get to celebrate a life that happened because of a life that didn’t.

 

7 1/2 months later we continue to wait…continue to learn…and good Lord in Heaven we continue to grow…no matter how much kicking and screaming we do we are strong in our Faith. Because, even if no one told us about all of the above we rejoice. We celebrate life. We celebrate God’s glory. We celebrate that no one told us how amazing his love for us would be. We push forward because no one told us there is someone that will meet us at each obstacle to help us, pray for us, support us through it. No one ever came with a pamplet that said complete strangers from Colorado, Texas, California, Arizona, Maryland, Georgia, and AUSTRALIA would reach out and love on us in a way that only God can understand. He would send people from the unseen corners of the world to donate and pray and sometimes just listen. I am so grateful that no one ever warned us that our children would become more loving, more devoted to God’s word, and would be more accepting of ALL of God’s people because of our adoption journey.

And at the end of the day, no one said that past the fears, worries, stresses, and tears I would learn to know our Father in Heaven in a deep and passionate way. I would love and appreciate my family in a new and profound way. And if that is all I get from this journey, I got enough. I’m glad no one told me, it means I got to experience every minute of every day as a new moment that came with a new lesson and that is more than okay with me!